I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
