Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
