Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
