I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
