I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
