I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
