nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
