Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
