My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
