you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
