there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Randomize
