Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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