I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
