I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
