Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
