I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions