I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.