Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
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Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.