hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
