im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
