I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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