Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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