$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I am morally bankrupt
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
