What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
