I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
