Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
