I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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