i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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