I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
