Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
