I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
