Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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