made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm both gender and math confused
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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