I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
