You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
