I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
