I wish I could punch you in the face.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
