At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
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Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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