cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
