I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
