Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
