he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
