I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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