can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
