i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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