shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
