I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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