Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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