I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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