Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
