Who did Billy Mays play for?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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