I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
not ubering you a puppy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
