Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
