i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
