saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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