Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
