god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
