I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
