Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
