nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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