i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Be still, my beating vagina.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I die, sorry about rent.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
