quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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