Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
